TimeSplitters: Future Perfect

It’s inspiring.

Tags: Categories: PS2 Reviews, Reviews

Posted by Brad on Apr 18th, 2005

Title Players
TimeSplitters: Future Perfect (title page) 1 - 2
Developer Publisher Genre Online
First Person Shooter No


A writer once claimed flippantly
He’d review in all prosody
His editors, rough,
Called him on his bluff,
And thence this crime of Poesy.

The Timesplitters Sonnets
(With all due apologies to the readers)
by Bradley Lyons

I

It fell to me the task that I review
The latest game from Electronic Arts
And rate the entertainment it imparts.
In Future Perfect for the PS2
The Timesplitters return in sequel new.
It’s predecessors never topped the charts,
But struck a chord in me and won the hearts
Of shooter fans who never better knew.
(For there has been a dearth of FPS,
No Haloes, no Lives-Halved on Sony’s shores.
Just why this is is anybody’s guess,
For both those games sold out at local stores.)
And now that I’ve a handle on this thing,
Let’s check out EA’s entrant to the ring.

II

Free Radical again took hold the wheel,
Developing a game to satisfy;
A bare-boned shooter substituting wry
absurdity in place of story real.
The single-player plot dost never feel
substantial as the missions through you’ll fly.
A mere thirteen, that populated by
Resistance light, it never tests your steel.
Not that this comes as any real surprise;
The focus of the game has never been
an epic opera crafted to give rise
to complex imagery or drama when
the players hardly asked for something more
than just to blow things up for highest score.

III

As brave Cortez, you’ll travel back through time,
And fore again, escaping history;
To meet yourself, in quite the mystery
Of paradox, the high temporal crime.
You’ll aid yourself, lay cover fire sublime
Till trigger fingers are worn blistery,
Then leap into another century.
I wasn’t this confused with Metroid Prime.
To fuel your travels, collect Time Crystals
That, guarded by the Timesplitters are kept.
These creatures will fall to your dual pistols
(assuming, of course, that you are adept.
And if you’re not, the game do not bemoan.
In co-op mode, you’ll not go in alone.)

IV

The destinations of your jumps include
The roaring twenties, whereupon you’ll meet
With Captain Ash and armored thugs defeat.
Then 1969 with levels hued
In disco light, from under which you’ll feud
‘gainst Russian cultists (hardly the elite)
That, with a nuke are aiming to delete
The populous, to life on earth conclude.
The layout of the stages are designed
With absolute linearality.
In six short hours, they’ll be left behind.
So, yes, it’s short, but in reality,
You’ve only just begun to see the things
That Timesplitters unto the table brings.

V

If ‘ere there were a hook to sell this game,
It’s “Shoot exploding zombie monkey heads!”
The game designers must be off their meds,
For lunacy is this game’s claim to fame.
On hoards of undead set your crosshairs’ aim
To stop their infestation ‘fore it spreads
And send the shambling primates to their beds,
Then to some evil cyborgs do the same.
But most of these are seen in arcade mode;
The challenges that test your playing skill
And then reward you with a gen’rous load
Of maps, guns, characters by which to kill.
Then, for a change of pace there’s nothing that’s
So very strange as racing robot cats.

VI

One problem this mode brings unto the fore
Is, to most gamers, a familiar ode
Of frequent pauses, for the game to load
And save to the memory card your score.
Now, auto-save is something I adore
When it’s used sparingly it can unload
The strain of worry; should my game explode,
At least I won’t lose all that I worked for.
But when it asks me after every round,
If I am sure I want to overwrite;
It makes me wish that I was not still bound
To Sony’s old technological plight.
Since hard drives may alleviate the pain,
You’ll want the Xbox version to obtain.

VII

At sixty frames a second, ‘tis clear that
The game performs as constant as the sun,
Though sacrifices detail – for to run
At breakneck speeds, its textures come off flat.
To keep the pace while challengers combat,
Its particle effects are underdone.
And while forsaken in the name of fun,
The game ends up looking a little matte.
The characters, Free Radical’s forte,
Are animated beautifully again,
Behaving in the most cartoonish way;
Emotive gestures made with acumen;
In period garb, a true menagerie
Of temporalists in all variety.

VIII

One hundred fifty of these gunners are
Unlockable for online multiplay;
‘Gainst A.I. bots or fifteen friends you’ll slay
In standard modes, plus two or three bizarre.
Performance-wise, the only things that mar
The perfect high-speed deathmatching soiree
Are slight hiccups in frame-rate and the way
The voice-chat spits and crackles as you spar.
New to the series is the online mode;
And there are still some kinks to be worked out;
Some types of games just haven’t been bestowed
With proper balance for an even bout.
But if the given maps you ever tire,
There’s plenty for download, should you desire.

IX

The map maker allows you to design
From bits and pieces new levels to run.
(Why should the PC gamers hog the fun?)
Great effort has been focused to refine
The tool I used to play with and malign
In the last game – but that version’s outdone
By leaps and bounds in this updated one,
With plenty rooms and objects to combine.
It has yet to achieve the perfect form
Of easy use, but still is fun to toy
Around with; and may possibly transform
The online world, where others can enjoy
Your works through download, voted on and scored
By all who play it, fame’s meager reward.

X

Without a doubt, I’m comfortable in saying
Free Radical succeeded with this game;
And hit the mark to which they set their aim:
A comedy focused on fun in playing.
I’ve taken this to heart as I’ve been weighing
The score to which the title I’d acclaim.
It isn’t perfect, but I won’t defame
It with nitpickery or fanboy braying.
The minor flaws do less to take away
From the game’s overarching quality
Than they do things to come to us display
For future Timesplitters frivolity.
So, to the creators, I say “Good show!”
You’ve earned every bit of a 9.0.

What Works Score
Zombie monkey heads.
That is all I have to say.
Blow them chimps away.
 9.0
What Doesn't
Are you certain that
You would like to overwrite?
For the tenth time, Yes!
Under the Shrink-wrap
Comedy stylings.
Quick action pleases my thumbs.
You want to race cats.
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