Mega Man… This Is An Intervention

DEN and friends reach out to a troubled video game hero.

Tags: Categories: Features, Game Cube Features, PS2 Features

Posted by Andrew on Jul 1st, 2004

Hey there, Blue Bomber. Have a seat.

Now, I know I told you on the phone that we were having a party, but the truth is… this is an intervention. Just hold on a second before you run out. Sure, you’re angry, but we in the gaming community are worried about you. There’s no use in denying it. We all know. Did you think you could keep it going for all those sequels? Did you think no one would notice?

You’re a coke junkie.

It’s okay, we’re not here to judge. This isn’t about judgment.

Listen, you go through an entire game, collecting rare and expensive abilities whenever you defeat a boss. And then, in the next game, you start with nothing. You think gamers wouldn’t notice that their once stacked hero is now, essentially, naked?

You’re obviously hocking this stuff to feed your addiction.

Go ahead and deny it. It helps the healing.

Mega Man, do you by chance know where your Quick Boomerang is? Oh, you left it back at the office? How convenient. Well, we’ve got a little surprise for you. Quick Man, could you come out here please? Thanks for coming, buddy.

Mega Man, do you see what Quick Man has in his hand? That’s right, the Quick Boomerang. Hmm, how could he have gotten that? I could have sworn that you once defeated Quick Man and took his power.


Quick Man just happened to be passing by a local pawn shop, when he spotted his old Quick Boomerang in the window. Not only that, he also found Air Shooter, Metal Blades, Crash Bomb, Time Stopper, Leaf Shield, Bubble Lead. Do I have to go on?

You know I had an interesting conversation with Dr. Wily the other day. He said something about you not looking so good at your last encounter with him. He said you kept mumbling about snakes under your skin and needing a fix.

Rockman, you’re Japanese identical twin brother, was saddened by this news. He wrote us saying that when he last met with you, you had “devil eyes” and asked to borrow money.

Most of your best friends are here today — Flash Man, Cut Man, Spark Man, Ice Man, and Gravity Man. And we would also like to welcome some of your more unfortunately named friends — Clown Man, Napalm Man, Shade Man, and Guts Man. Then of course there’s Search Man, which is just plain ridiculous…. The point is, we’re all here today because we care about you.

So, where do we go from here? Well, we have a special treat for you. Search Man and I were rummaging through an old lab of Dr. Light’s — may he rest in peace — when we came across a peculiar capsule. We dusted it off and turned it on. The message from Dr. Light was quite extraordinary, and we would like to play that message for you now. Okay, Search Man, fire it up…


“Greetings, Mega Man. Having activated this capsule, I can assume with great certainty that you are currently one coked-up android. Don’t be ashamed. When I was a young scientist, I indulged in a number of questionable activities. My colleagues and I once created a female robot who, in association with the male student population, helped us pay our way through college. Hell, Dr. Wily and I actually invented a drug. It was 100 times more addictive than heroine — we called it MEGAddict. Unfortunately, our dreams and goals were very different. He wanted to use the drug to enslave people. I, on the other hand, wanted nothing more than to create child-like robots who would search out and battle other robots, each with their own quirky name and ability.

Anyway, you’re in luck. By entering this capsule, you’ll be cured of any addiction you might currently be engaged in. Smack, angel dust, coke, meth, ecstasy — anything at all. Except for food addiction; that’s just stupid. So, enter this capsule, my boy, and begin a new life. Good bye, Mega Man. And good luck.”

See, Blue? Even Dr. Light understands your situation. I think it’s pretty clear what you need to do now. You’re getting a second chance here, Blue. Take it.

We’re almost finished here, but first, there’s one more thing we need to address. We found this other capsule.

Now, Blue, we know you “likes the ladies” and it’s no secret that you’ve always been a single robot. Some of this sexual promiscuity may have a bit to do with the vast amounts of cocaine coursing through your system, and a robot of your age should be free to do what he wants with his life. We’re all familiar with Snake Man’s brief stint in the adult film industry and Bubble Man’s early career as a pimp. These are mistakes they’ve had to live with.

But these things don’t change the fact that you’re living a dangerous lifestyle, Blue. Search Man, the other capsule, please…


“Greetings, Mega Man. Having activated this capsule, I can assume with great certainty that you currently have one flaming case of herpes. Don’t be ashamed. When I was a young scientist, I indulged in a number of questionable activities. It’s those fem-bots, right? Ah, yes. They are a seductive bunch. Heck, I invented most of them. I remember one crazy weekend with Dr. Wily, three fem-bots, and a pile of robot parts… well, that’s really not important at the moment…

Anyway, you’re in luck. By entering this capsule, you’ll be cured of any STD’s you may have. I’m afraid, however, that any erectile dysfunction that’s occurred as a result of the cocaine can’t be helped. So, enter this capsule, my boy, and begin a new life. Good bye, Mega Man. And good luck.”

So, there you go, Blue. We hope this puts you on the right track. There were a few other capsules, mostly concerning sexual identity troubles and some abnormal fetishes, but let’s take this one day at a time. This is a slow, healing process. You’ve got friends here, Mega Man. And we’re all rooting for you.

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